The Anatomy of Love – In India (Part 1)

‘We broke up’ – That’s quite a hardliner to digest in one go but predominantly this little statement has gained a cult status among Indian youth. It all starts as a substance of affirmed affections and some breezy innuendos. Then there are promises enough to ravage societal norms and traditions.  The herculean task of convincing the families is often left to the future and that’s where the problem begins. It is a mammoth task to plant such ideas into Indian parent’s minds. The disruption of civil rights for kids leads them to even more misery.

The Girls house

If you are a loved and pampered daughter, you are bound to face some extraordinary cinematography at home. If you have a sibling who acts very smart, you are in a deeper mess. Especially when he has faced some heat from ex flings parents. He will be your moral guardian and more often than not, a secret vigilante to your parents. Every little whisper from your bedroom will be amplified into his conspiring ears which may result into a backlash or even a showdown that very night. Your bedroom becomes a gulf of offences and defenses. Your sibling stands flexing his biceps in low-light while your mother tries to console you for the mistake you shouldn’t have done. On the other hand, your father holds an invisible Kalashnikov ready to shoot at even the picture of the guy who took away his princess’s heart. He is indecisive whether to act intellectual or act Indian. He hears an affirmative signal in binary and proceeds with his proposal, which is an absolute negative.

Then you see the brighter side. You often find your house full of guests, which brings a sight in your mind. Your love gets kicked by a white horse with a fancy geek on top. That’s a perfect checkmate. Then your mobile bills go up and your phone suffers multiple liquid ingressions. Your boyfriend starts watching too many Bollywood films to search for a possible idea to take you away. None of them work.  You sit in front of a huge family one fine day and think when they are planning to put you on bed with this dickhead. Your boyfriend still has some more movies to complete while you start your wedding shopping with your desperate cousins. Even a little trip to Baskin Robins while you shop puts them into a trance – an orgasmic trance.

You are introduced to the extension of the extended family of the prospect and you make notes of each one of them on a tissue paper. Then you go through some more round table conferences, usually at dinner, to extend your nuptial dates while your sibling laughs at you like a lunatic yoga teacher. You tend to put on a little weight, thanks to the special requests from your cousins while you shop. Your boyfriend has still three movies to go.

Finally you have lost faith in love after all the promises made and broken. You look like a Palestinian on your wedding night with no support to your advances. You dropped your plan of being a runaway bride last night when your so-to-be husband called you up to blabber his cheesy lines that he memorized for a week.  And then, you are held hostage by your father’s emotional dialogues which makes way straight to the Oscars. You don’t know, he has been memorizing the same for two weeks. He knows very well, that he was successful in screwing your hero but he holds a timid look behind his pretentious glasses. Sympathy stage begins and suddenly you see The Dalai Lama sitting next to you. Your mom, peeks through the door and assumes that you are sorted with his preaching for the night.

Then comes your wedding day and you have a mixed feeling – more of hatred towards your love for being a douchebag and excitement of what’s going to come next. Just when you are about to submit your devotions to this new geek for the rest of your life, your love shows up. He has grown a beard which makes him look ugly indeed. That’s one zero – to begin with. Then he scratches his head and sits right in the front seat with a bizarre expression you hadn’t seen before. All he imagines is you on bed with the groom and on an economic front, how much money did he save accidentally. You keep looking at him and finally request one of your common friends to ask him to fuck off. Off course, he enjoys the delicious cuisine before he wanders off to booze with his friends and celebrate your consummation. And you begin to look forward to eternity with this new guy who is little less absurd than what sat in front seat all this while.

And you say to yourself – A fucking whimsical Bollywood addict!

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